It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce my departure of Elowel. My new blog can be found here, at tortoisescam.com

The only reason I'm leaving is because I don't like being a part of a community where people can't voice their opinions and concerns without being called names and belittled. Admins that respond to adversity and even trolling with grace, tact, and patience command a lot of respect. Those who advise their users to shut their faces before they are shut for them command about as much respect as a 6 year old having a temper tantrum. You guys have SO much potential, please don't blow this thing by acting like jerks.

All of the people that read my blog, PLEASE keep reading it in it's new location. You can leave comments with a name without signing up or anything so please just read it and keep commenting. Your feedback, criticisms and compliments have given me so much joy over the years. So Gripewater, Avyakata, Diana, Alex, Jenny, Beverly, VolcanoVixen, Liz, Cody, Chucho, logruszed, Bridget, dante, cinnamonlixx, and everyone else PLEASE KEEP READING MY JOURNAL! And you bet I'll keep reading yours, just no more posting here. I'll keep leaving comments as long as my account is alive.

And please, don't bother flaming me here or on my new spot. Not only will I not respond, I'll delete any flame-like comments.

It's been a great two years, thanks to Alex and Cody for making them possible.

I hate working in Tigard. It's freezing cold in the store and a girl who's been here for a month has authority over me. GAHHHH. Whatever these guys don't even know how to do PAPERWORK!!

I must apologize for that last entry, it was uncharacteristicly emotional. But I guess that is how you know it is sincere. I only post serious stuff when it really matters.

I was forced into watching American Idol last night for the first time. I was pleasantly surprised by the judge named Simon. He has the guts to be brutal so the other two don't have to. I like to think I am on the same page as this guy, but I know I could never deliver criticism that harshly to a friend. When it comes to media though I think I can be pretty harsh.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday, this guy comes up to me after class and he goes "Not to be too forward, but you are beautiful". In exactly those words. I was like stunned. What do you say to something like that? Then he says "I think people focus too much on criticisms and aren't free enough with compliments" or something like that. I've had guys flirt with me and stuff but never just come out and SAY it like that. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make my school day.

Italian is going awesome. For the first time in a language class I feel like I am moving as fast as everyone else, if not faster. My teacher doesn't speak english in class but I manage to keep up with her, it's AWESOME.

I have been so depressed for the last few days, mostly because in my field of study most of what I learn is about the cruelty of man, the insignificance of humanity, and the various groups that have been oppressed over time. I tend to judge myself very harshly, but one quality that I know is absolutely vital to my personality is that I have the ability to empathize with anyone or anything. I can be kind of sarcastic and brash but as soon as somebody is telling me their stories of hardship, or a homeless person on the street asks me for change, I just have to comply and give it to them. When people explain to me the pain they are going through, I can absolutely put myself in their place and feel, as acutely as one can who hasn't been there, some semblance of what they are feeling. From my experiences with those around me, I think my empathy reaches a lot deeper than most peoples. I can't kill anything, I literally can't kill a fly. I can't go fishing. I was a vegetarian for a long time but it got too difficult and expensive when I entered college, so now the only way I can convince myself to eat the organically fed free range Oregon beef that I do eat, is by forcing myself to not think about the fact that I am eating the flesh of another living thing. I try to think of it like the Native Americans did, I thank the cow for it's sacrifice in feeding me.

That said, reading about any form of genocide is very hard for me. This is the umpteenth time I have studied the holocaust, and every time I do it is the same: I am so completely depressed. I read books and watch movies outside of the curriculum to try and have a better grasp of why these crimes occurred, of what it must have been like for Jews and criminals all across Europe to watch the systematic destruction of their people, and to be reduced to drones when they had been free men.

Particularly hard for me, this time around, is considerig "the rape of Nanking," the six week Japanese march to Nanking, China that is absolutely and without a doubt the most horrible account of cruelty I have ever heard of. Cruelty isn't even a strong enough word, evil is more appropriate. And to know that Japan is taking such a half assed stance in apologizing for their crimes... individual peope have offered apologies but as a whole, the government STILL hasn't shown even a tenth as much remorse for their actions as Germany had during the first 10 years after the war! And they've had 60!!!

So anyway all of this shit puts me in a pissy mood. After reading so many books and hearing so many stories, I feel like I myself have spent three days in Auschwitz, I am wondering what the point of living is when you know that those around you have the capacity to turn into brutal aggressors given the right circumstances. And I am like "why the fuck didn't I just go into business, I can make a good honest living as a merchant. Hell I'm a GOOD merchant, I make the numbers, I understand the game, I cound DO this".

But then, and this is the important part, I had a revalation just a couple hours ago that my job is not to be a merchant. My job is not only to become a teacher, but to become a GOOD teacher, the kind of teacher who can impart upon students not only names and dates, but the real significance of these events. I will make them feel with all the empathy that they are capable of, the suffering that so many have felt through human history and why, so that they can understand and impart on their children these things, so that they never happen again. I have never felt so inspired. That makes me happy. I was reading Bevkin's journal a long time ago and she was talking about how she didn't feel inspired to do anything, and that is EXACTLY the situation I have been in. Just kinda going along to see what is good.. and now I know what I want and I am so happy!

I'm still depressed though. I can't seem to wipe the image of Japanese soldiers forcing Chinese fathers to rape their child daughters before disembowling them both. I'm still kinda disturbed by the curret Japanese government, to David's dismay, and to my own. Why can't I forgive them these things that don't even involve me?

So I've been getting drunk on Smirnoff and playing Animal Crossing with friends. David made me a great big cheeseburger on the George Foreman grill, and all of these nice things have almost made me forget about the Holocaust. But seriously everytime I eat anything for the next month I'm going to see the sunken eyes and sallow faces of Auschwitz prisoners. And feel like a fat lazy American pig for not having lived through some harrowing ordeal that would give me greater appreciation for the food I eat and the lifestyle I enjoy.

This entry is too depressing. I'm gonna say something stupid and pointless like I usually say... I got some Chanel nailpolish with the last of my Christmas money. YAY.

Winter semester has started and it is totally great! I love all of my classes and my professors are all really good people, and with good RatePSU ratings. I'm taking Italian, Understanding the Bible, and European History, three subjects that I think are very interesting. Plus they all start at like 10 so I am plenty rested and don't fall asleep.

So I have good times and bad times. The good times are that David bought me some very sexy Versace glasses, I'll post a picture later, and I got myself a very sexy Coach wallet with fishies and coral appliqued on. So yay for me

The bad times... well, the bad time, is that yesterday an 80 year old man tripped in my store and broke his nose. We had a shipment so there were boxes all over behind the register, and there was one next to the register. After the guy bought his candy he was leaving and he tripped over the box and fell directly on his face. The guy from Sprint came over and helped him up while I called security, who in turn called the fire department. There was blood EVERYWHERE and his nose was all bent in the middle. Luckily he didn't break a hip or something, and his body was okay other than the nose. He gave me his wife's number and I called her and she came right over. Siska is in California and nobody at the Support Center was available so I had to handle the whole thing myself. I gave him and his wife some candy, since the stuff he'd just bought was all crushed and bloody :( I blocked the entrance with a big Avanti card display and put up a sign that said "come back in 20 minutes" but people just kept walking around it and coming in while I was trying to collect statements and file an incident report. It was so frustrating. You'd think that the fire department, blood everywhere, a stretcher and a sign blocking the door would deter people but they just walked around it all!! GRRR people are so dumb sometimes. He didn't take an ambulance but he did have to go to the ER. He and his wife seemed really nice so please pray for them or something.

The security guard that came first was really awesome. She goes to my school and I think she is like the coolest girl in the world. She wants to be a cop and she's so cool and collected, yet firm in these situations... I'm kinda buddy buddy with a lot of the mall security but this girl is like my role model or something. She's really confident, and not afraid to tell people who are screwing around to knock it off. Even though she's small she commands this awesome presence. I can tell even now that she's going to make an amazing police officer. Cops like that absolutely inspire me... good cops should get more respect.

My skin is doing great *knock on wood*. I had one pimple but my dermatologist zapped it with cortizone yesterday so that's all good.

Well time to go level up in FFX-2!

I've basically spent the last week relaxing, playing Animal Crossing, and watching my brand new Sex and the City Anthology, which I finally finished today. The week of Christmas, and before Christmas, was the most hectic week ever. Thousands of dollars were passing through my hands each day, and what with my "I thought I lost $50 but it was really stuck behind the drawer" incident, I've been pretty nervous. But thankfully, I was never short more than a couple nickels and dimes.

This Christmas didn't really feel like Christmas to me. Maybe because I was stuck in the mall dealing with Christmasey people for 40 hours a week for most of it. So I still did the whole present thing, but the closest I came to holiday spirit was when it snowed and David and I walked downtown in the dark, snowy street. It was so beautiful with all the Christmas lights and displays... *sigh*.

I got many lovely things for Christmas, and I hope the people I gave to think their gifts are lovely as well. The biggest thing I got was the Sex and the City anthology, from my mom. David spoiled me ROTTEN. His last gift was a beautiful statue of an Amy Brown character from the painting Another Eclipse. It is by my window and it's soooooo pretty. For him I bought his favorite candy imported from Canada, Animal Crossing DS, and a shopping trip to Express for Men to bulk up his business casual wardrobe.

I got to spend some time with Lauren Pillster last night, it was so refreshing to be able to talk to another girl about stuff. My dad has kinda flown off the handle again in ways I can't repeat in public like this. But trust me, it's bad. So it was nice to hear a fresh perspective on it.

Well, time to go to work and sell some candy!

It started snowing at about 2 today, and my boss told me to not bother going to work because the roads were so icy. So I am basically snowed in and can't go anywhere. Not that I mind though. I sat here on the third floor of a studio apartment downtown, and watched the snow slowly cover up the road. It was so beautiful and peaceful, I just stared at it for like a half hour while listening to a show about samurai on the History Channel. There is this public garden across the street and it was really cool watching the dirt slowly get whiter and whiter.

David and I finally decided to go out and it was so quiet on campus.. people always say it seems quieter when it snows, but it's really true. We got some Starbucks and climbed up to the roof of the parking structure and looked at all the hills and houses and roads all covered with snow, it was so cool! We were the only people who had been to the roof so there were no other footprints. Then we went to Pioneer Square. I have never seen the city in the snow, it was so much different. All the cars were sliding a little bit and there was ice all over the sideawalks. We went to Banana Republic and J Crew and all those other stores trying to find a new coat for Davey but the best one we found was $250. Yeah right. We visited L'Occitane and David got me some Olive Oil shampoo and I got my mom some Merh (sp?) perfume that she really wanted. We stopped in this toy store that sells educationl toys and old fashioned stuff and played with bouncy balls and expensive plastic figures!!

All this walking is within like 6 blocks of the apartment but with all the ice and snow it took us like 3 hours to make the trip. We came home and ate frozen pizza and cheesecake and I am so warm and full and satisfied with my life right now.

Everthing is going pretty well right now. Yesterday David and I went to a dinner for the Chinese Engineering Society or something, which his mother is president of even though she isn't Chinese or an engineer. This creepy guy kept staring at me for like really long periods of time and then asking questions about me and David like "you guys live together?" He was scary. David lost all my money on video poker!!

I've been working a lot to have money for good Christmas presents. Plus it is my goal to buy a new pair of jeans and a black cable knit sweater before going back to school, so I'm really trying to boost the income.

David gave me three more Christmas presents because he couldn't wait. Kirby 3 for SNES and a multipack Kirby game for NES. Also The Doormouse's Housewarming Party limited edition.

So I thought about what Avyakata said about not wearing so much makeup and I think he was right. At this point my skin is healing *knock on wood* so there is no need to divert attention away from zits. So I am now ONLY wearing bare minerals foundation, powder, blush and mascara. Oh yeah and lip balm. David got me the rest of the gingerbread stuff so I smell... really really good, but not so much like perfume, it's really soft and almost natural.

I was at Sephora the other day and this lady was talking to a sales associate and she was trying to describe a product and the sales lady didn't know what she meant, but I knew and I pointed her to where it was -__- sad. I asked the lady where to find the gingerbread stuff (this is before I already had it) and she was like "we sell out of that stuff so fast because it was on Oprah" and I was like "It was on Oprah like two years ago" and she was like "It doesn't matter, people still come in asking for what they saw on Oprah. You really want her to endorse your product". I thought that was funny because I actually saw it on Oprah myself o_o.

Ok time to go start the day.

Well last night I counted out my till and I was like $50 short. I was panicking!! I called my boss and the district manager and they were both really calm and said it happens to everybody. But if we had any "deposit issues" nobody in the store was going to get their holiday bonus for this week, so I was like "SERIOUSLY LET ME PAY FOR IT SISKA" because I couldn't take away Sadonna and Megan's bonus money, even though it wasn't clear which one of me or Megan made the mistake. So we figured that somebody must have given out a $20 instead of a $50, but when I thought about it later that would have only made us $30 short.

One night full of bad dreams later, I called Sadonna and she found the missing $50 stuck underneath the register drawer. I knew I wasn't that clumsy! Now I need to learn how to take out the drawer so I can check for stuck bills myself.

I had to work at a store out in Tigard this weekend. It was a giant freaking mess. My district manager made it clear that I wasn't there to fix up the store, I was only expected to ring people up and make sure it didn't burn down. But when I saw the extent of it... there are some very important pieces of inventory and accounting paperwork that they are supposed to fill out every night but they had never been filled out. I could go on and on but I won't because you guys wouldn't know what I was talking about. But my boss really thinks I could take over that store as manager when I move out there. And you know? I think I could do it easily. I learned from the best. Our store is the favorite in our district and my boss is the regional managers favorite. They eat dinner together!! When I talked to Siska yesterday I said "I'm so glad I had you for my boss so I could learn everything the right way" and she says "I'm not your boss, I"m your friend". AWWWWWW.

In other news my stupid teacher is making everyone in the class turn back in everything she has ever graded because she doesn't keep a grade book and didn't record anything. So NOW I have to dig through all of my stuff trying to find every little insignificant assignment I've ever turned in. I checked ratepsu.com, a little late unfortunately, and discovered that she is the lowest rated teacher in the entire english department in every area!!!

I saw Diana yesterday and she looked so hot! I really love your hair a little big longer like that, it frames your face so nicely!!! Much softer, makes you look more mature!

Me and David got into this giant fight about football. It was so retarded!! We were both so pissed off about sports of all things! But when we were done we have been laughing about it for days. We hardly ever fight so it's kind of cool that when we do it's never over big stuff it's over things like football, and we're really quick to get over it.

Anyway I feel like a big idiot still about that $50 because this is like the second time this week I have miscounted money -_-. I think it is because the store is open an hour later now and I have been getting up earlier so I am tired at the end of the day.

So life after the jalapeno incident has been pretty awesome. Yesterday I only had one class, then I came home and cleaned my room. I put Bansai into the Reptarium with Boris and Olive and they are getting along sooooo well. Bansai even found herself a nice hiding spot to share with Boris- they get the big flower pot, and Olive sleeps in the smaller. They have clean fresh dirt and two night lights, since they sleep at opposite ends of each other.

I also finished my Italian test, wrote two and a half essays, so now I just have to write one and a half and take my Italian oral on monday. At least the hard parts are over.

Yesterday I went to water my cactus and I tripped and my head hit the corner of my dresser- as if that weren't bad enough, the little fan I keep on top of the dresser fell and hit me right in the forehead. My cactus fell and there was cactus dirt and muddy water everywhere. The fan almost knocked me out- everything went black and I felt the most overpowering urge to fall asleep. I just sat there for like 30 seconds, then I was like "wait something happened, I just don't remember what" and when I opened my eyes I saw all the dirt and I remembered. Thankfully, none of the fairy divas that I keep in the cactus pot were inujured, for they are my favorite part of my room.

I also found this really cool website that has a bunch of critiques and scholarly reviews of literature and it's all really easy to access. here, I think you have to be a university member to use it without paying but even so if you have ever had trouble finding articles online this thing is a lifesaver.

I have to work all weekend at the Sweet Factory at the Bridgeport mall because they apparrently don't have any employees. When I got there there were shipping boxes all over the floor and three employees. Yah ok guys way to get the old act together...

So I have heard tell that some people think I just post about David when he buys me stuff. I know that is not true, but in case you think I am shallow, well you shouldn't. He has just been buying me a lot of stuff lately, but I am not the kind of girl to date a guy for money. I've dated guys that pay for stuff before and they've all been dicks and I dumped them. I've also dated guys who haven't bought me anything, and they were some cool and some not. David buys me stuff sometimes but he is pretty cool and I care about him a lot because he is smart, kind, cute and I think we compliment each other. So after what I tell you next you'd better not tell me I just like him for gift appeal!

We've started our Christmas shopping for each other and for our families. He wanted to show me one of the presents he got me early because he apparrently didn't know if I'd want it and he wanted to know if he should take it back. I'd love anything he got me, just because it was from him, but he kept pestering me so I was like "okay show me". I don't like seeing presents before holidays/birthdays because I like surprises but he said this wasn't like, the only thing he was getting me. So it was DDR Extreme 2 in the box with the dance pad. And I was like "omg I love it!!!" but I already have like 3 dance pads so I told him that I loved it but if he wanted to return it and just get the game or something even smaller he could save himself some money, because that package is like $60 or something.

So we went to Washington Square because I wanted to get a hair thing for my mom at this stupid expensive place run by non-english speakers with synthetic hair. And I was talking to my friend Jo on the phone because she was having quite a crisis. I told David to go to EB and I'd meet up with him later. So I went to EB and he wasn't there. I called him and he was like "ok I'll be right back". He showed up like 15 minutes later. After I bought my mom's hair thing, he was like "so what if I took back DDR and got you something non-video game related". And I said I'd love anything he got me, because I would. And he kept asking and asking and I was like "well it depends on what it was you were trading it for". And he's like "would you like something else better? Just say yes.." and I was like "okay yes" (even though I LOVE DDR and would have been very happy with it). So he pulls this little box out of his pocket. I unwrapped it and it was a Sephora compact. I opened the compact and it was a giftcard with um.. quite a sizeable amount on it. I almost started crying because I LOVE makeup SO much and playing around with it and trying to make my skin as good as possible yadda yadda is just so much fun. I love being creative with colors and shapes and textures and I could just DIE in Sephora because they have absolutely EVERYTHING!! It has always been like this crazy fantasy of mine to have a gift card that I could only use for makeup, or a makeup shopping spree or something just so I could totally revamp my collection, which is made up of cheap old makeup that I have had for years on end. When I go to places like Sephora or Nordstrom I can't ever spend much, if anything, on my hobby.

So after much hugging and happiness, I spent a glorious half hour walkin around the store deliberating and smelling things and dabbing colors onto my hands... it was so, so awesome. I got some totally awesome NEW makeup. Sephora brand black/grey/charcoal eyeshadow pallet and volumizing mascara, theBalm Stainiac lip stain, BareEsenctuals blush, and a tester of a mask. There was also this stuff I've been meaning to try forever, The Gingerbread Man. Normally I don't buy stuff like this but it's apparrently their top seller. I never really paid attention to my body skin being soft or whatever but I just used this stuff and my arms and legs feel like... silk or something. It's awesome. I was on Cloud 9. Now I've got good makeup to last a long time... I just hope he didn't spend too much on whatever else he's planning.

After that brief interlude of peace, I am preparing for a weekend of non-stop essay writing, journal critiquing, and working in a new store. I'm really kinda starting to like this literature stuff more than I thought I would... I feel so much smarter and more enriched for having gone through these grueling classes. But, in my journal, I make it a point to not get too deep, and only talk about light-hearted stuff. So I'm sorry if I come off shallow. I just spend all day dealing with some pretty depressing subject matter, and am usually tired out from standing 6-8 hours at a time. I'd rather keep my reflections upbeat.

:)